Searching leaves you empty

I have read lots of things about longing and searching this week. I don't think it is a coincidence. I think some amount of restless yearning is par for the course here on earth. But I think we can make it harder on ourselves always looking for that perfect opportunity. We can be so bound by fear and guilt that we no longer trust ourselves to make the right decisions nor trust the path we're already on.

I have realized (this week) that I am a really good mom. Sure, I make mistakes. But beating myself up in condemnation about my weaknesses doesn't bring glory to God. I've been softened, humbled, responding to God's mercy with greater mercy. I'm listening to the hearts of my children. And I will now walk out this confidence by giving up the elusive search for wholeness and better-ness. It's not going to happen in this earthly life. God's divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence. (2 Peter 1:3)

Having older children will not satisfy me
Neither will completing a creative project
Getting my house clean won't do it
Wearing better clothes doesn't fill the void
Reading the right books doesn't ease insecurity
Knowing something doesn't mean you will put it into action

I dream about what life will be like someday, but know that it is empty fantasy.  I can hoard information that doesn't make my daily life any more productive or enriching. I have completed goals and reached milestones that were supposed to be earthshakingly satisfying, yet felt utterly meaningless afterwards, and the gnawing inside only called for more.

That's why I say let's stop the fantasizing. About who you will be, what you will have, what you will do. I see this as the biggest temptation of women. You are not promised tomorrow. What you think will be so wonderful someday could end up feeling like a curse. 

 

It's time to:

 acknowledge the reality of our authentic selves

the beauty of where we are at in the journey

live each day with intention

put into action what we know

Queenhood Tuesday - Fun With Fabrics

A main source of my enjoyment of home is in giving it my personality.  "Decorating" has been ruined for me; it revolves around being discontented and shopping. I used to watch HGTV about ten years ago, but now I can't stand how it creates the illusion that your home must be coordinated in photo-shoot perfection, and that you must always keep it in a state of repair and restoration with weekend warrior projects.

My goal is to buy less pre-made/manufactured decorative items for the house, and instead have artsy and unique handmade items bringing color and pattern to the room. I replenished my fabric stash this weekend with discontinued decorator samples from the flea market. I'm working on creating some mixed media wall hangings. The swatches are high quality 100% silks, taffeta, hotel bed linen samples - things I would never pay full price yardage for, yet they are the right sizes for this kind of project!

She's the reason for any cat hair you see!

Nostalgic

My oldest, born ten years ago

Tonight, I'm thinking about lavender scented olive oil, birth balls. Bendy straws in water bottles, chux pads, and sitz baths.

I have long forgotten the sweet and salty newborn head, tucked under my chin. The curved rump in footie pajamas warm along my side. Thick prefold diapers under my chest damp with milk, and my soft, hollow belly.

A long time has passed since my shoulders were wrapped in six yards of fabric, artfully arranged around a slumpy little one.

Velvet cheeks, gummy smiles, and wrinkly bow legs with socks that always slipped off of tiny, peeling feet.

Sometimes I ache for it again, four times is not enough - yet more than enough.

And I trust Him that whatever the future holds, it will be right. And alright.

Queenhood Tuesday: My Queenly Strengths

 

I love a clean house, I do. I look at my friends who are OCD about their home's cleanliness, and wish I had just a little bit of that. Nesting is fun; tidying up. But when it comes down to the real dirty work of maintaining a home, I really have to psych myself up about it. 

I decided I was going to view my role in the home as the empowered queen of my domain, ruling with grace and creativity. It helps me have a better attitude about the drudgery. I am not striving for perfection, oh no, I am more concerned about atmosphere and enough order to get through our daily rhythm with greater ease. If I can manage to invite company over once a week, I have reached the height of my standards!

 The queen uses her leadership skills, gifts and talents to make the home activity hum along. Your creative expression is certainly not limited to the domestic sphere, however, it is a great release for it as you become more proficient in the homemaking arts.

I shared that cleaning is not really my strong suit, but here are the other areas I shine in as queen.

I am great with color, and very into aesthetics. I love puttering around my house, trying new fabrics here and there. I hunt at thrift stores and clearance racks for anything to purpose as decor. Even if my house is small and old, and usually messy in at least one room, you can tell I put thoughtful care into the arrangement and decor. My husband appreciates my gifts in that.  

I am all for ambiance and atmosphere. I will start a loaf of bread in the machine for the wafting fragrance. I burn candles, and play music. There is always interesting reading material lying around. The kids feel cozy and secure when I take the time for those extra touches that don't have to wait until the house is perfect. 

I love lesson planning and curriculum. So the day might not always pan out to where we get to all of it, but I have a long term framework and goal to press toward. Our rhythm is laid out. I love reading about pedagogy and how to be a better teacher.

I am learning more about family herbalism and natural, holistic remedies for everyday issues. I am well versed in nutrition. My kitchen pharmacy and home library is getting better stocked as I take more initiative with our health. 

Having these areas of home management that I really enjoy and am good at helps me deal with the ones I despise.

Creative longing and its impediments

 Each day I feel the pull of desires unfilled. A sense of not reaching potential. I have the clamor of a thousand blogs posts coaching me on how to better myself in 31 days or 20 or however long until the writer ran out of inspiration.

'A good mom wakes earlier than her children so she can run, pray, read the Bible, and look pretty for her husband.'

The messages add to dizzying noise inside that keeps me from seeing life and myself as it authentically is. It is a form of procrastination, to check in to the electronic world, just to see; just enough to internalize the sense that who I am and what I do is not good enough.

I know this, and have known it, and yet I can't seem to stop checking in.

 The moms who go, go, go and demonstrate their godliness through their productivity, and how closely their lives mirror the iconic Proverbs 31 woman - I don't understand them, nor does it seem they understand me.

The perky P31 lady with an iphone in one hand, Starbucks in the other, thumbing through the twitter feed and marketing the latest ebook or life coaching program, she is everywhere, and what does that mean if I don't look like that?

I have to drink life in during the lulls, the idleness that is imperative to my spirit. God made me a ponderer, I am slow to speak. I need to sit with something for a long time to determine its value or place in my life. Though I almost always feel joy deeply inside, it doesn't always show in my words or on my face. I am, at times, crippled by lethargy or blues, but working through whatever darkness comes helps me see how immeasurably beautiful the light is. And I have desires to express that, somehow. 

We are continually reminded to overcome our flesh. We internalize that nothing good can come from there. A creative impulse must be disregarded for more practical things. And moms, this means that your dishes are a holier work than finding release for or developing that impulse. Mothers are to serve, and your servant-hood is done with an apron and broom, not a brush or pencil.

So, we settle and let it out in measured doses - only if it explicitly edifies. Only if it blatantly points to Jesus. Only if it blesses someone in a domestic way. And so Christian moms are left with trite and predictable sermonizing.

Or we rope our creativity into something marketable: if we are to use our precious time on it, it must bring income. Never mind that many of the greatest artistic contributions to our culture have come from those who saw little to no glory for their achievements and only poverty and struggle during their lifetimes.

Re-tweet, regurgitate, share - everyone else's opinions. Is this why there is very little great Christian art anymore? 'Art is truth' you say. 'And what could be more true than the Word of God?' So we emblazon everything with scripture. The Word marketed as a mere slogan.

But all that I'm saying plays perfectly into the ping-pong game mothers have with desire and guilt.

We have dreams, no denying that, but what kind are we allowed to have? How much or how little are we to indulge them? It's a good question. Personally, I struggle not with lofty or ambitious goals but with giving myself the permission to be myself - the one who stares at the trees and turns things over and over, and scrawls into notebooks. The one who scrolls past the sermonettes in blog feeds and rebelliously needs to read the Word on her own. Who reads all the books trying to hone skills and find outlets for it, all while defeated by procrastination and the irresistable urge to take a nap.

How can we be okay with self, when we are supposed to deny self?

I don't know. You may already have a simple and theologically appropriate answer for that one, but I'm still turning it over. It may take me a while to figure it out.

Queenhood Tuesday - Conversation Starters

Welcome to my new weekly feature here at Grace Mothering, called Queenhood Tuesday, where I post something that encourages or informs (or just blathers on) about reigning as queen in our home. The idea comes from Nancy Campbell's article Called to Queenhood.

I am all for a movement to get us off of the computer and relating to people. I'm getting more and more low-tech as time goes by. So, this week's submission is a list of conversation starters, compiled by me from many sources. Use these at the dinner table, at mom night out, family gatherings, etc. Everyone LOVES talking about themselves!

If money were no object what would your dream home look like?
If money were no object where would you shop for clothes?
If money were no object where would you like to go on vacation?
If money were no object would you prefer domestic help or would you cook and clean yourself?
If you could go back in time with whom would you like to spend a day with?
If you could go forward in time, what would you want to know?
If you could be an animal for one day, what would you be and why?
If you could read one person's mind, whose would it be?
If you could meet a famous person, who would it be?
What "critter" scares you the most?
If you were stranded on a desert island what one object would you want with you?
(Besides your Bible of course)
If you could only have one favorite food to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?
If you could trade places with one person, who would it be?
If you could trade places with someone for 1 day, who would it be?
What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Besides God, who has influenced you the most?
What's your favorite book?
What part of your daily routine do you enjoy most?
What's your favorite movie?
Where's the most interesting place you have been?
If you won 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
What's your most fervent prayer?
If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
What makes the world go round?
What one thing do you think would create peace in the world?
What's the bravest thing you've ever done?
What's the best compliment you've ever received?
What gift have you received that you will always treasure?
What is your favorite Bible verse (or "one" of your favorites) and what does it mean to you?
What was your most embarrassing moment in High School?
How did your husband propose to you?
What was the worst advice you received on marriage before you were married?
Which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?
What’s your favorite quotation?
What song evokes the strongest memories for you?
You are stuck on a deserted Island, and you can only take 3 things.  What would they be?
You can only eat 5 different foods for the rest of your life, what are they?
You can only listen to 3 CD’s for the rest of your life, what are they?
You are stuck in a cabin for 2 years, what 5 movies would you take with you?
If you could pick anyone, which three people would you invite to your dinner party?
What is the worst gift your hubby (or someone) ever gave you?
What is the best gift your hubby (or someone) ever gave you?
Have you ever been fired?
What is something you regret?
How often do you go over the speed limit?
Were you considered popular in high school? Why or why not?
When, if ever, do you think it is okay to tell a lie?
How old are you in your dreams?
Did you ever run away from home? Why/ why not?
If you could be any male/female sports star, who would you be?
Did you ever have a teacher who picked on you?
What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?
What really gives you the creeps?
What were the three happiest moments in your life so far?
Did you have a nickname in school?
Which is your wish that is not yet fulfilled?
What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?
What kind of student were you?
Other than family, who were the most important people in your life?
What were your hobbies as a child?
Who was the first person you ever kissed?
What did you imagine your adult life would be like?
What has been the most amazing part about raising kids?
What has been the most difficult part about raising kids?
What was the best job you ever had? What was the worst?
How did you decide what field to enter?
Was there one person who had a big impact on your working life?
If you had to do it all over again, would you choose the same career path?
What were the best years of your life?
What was the hardest decision you’ve made?
What are the most important things in life?
What do you consider to be your strongest character traits?
What traits or habits do you wish you didn’t have?
Has life made you more hopeful or more cynical?
What do you consider to be the biggest world events of your lifetime?
Do you think life now is harder or easier than when you were young?
What are you most proud of in your life?
What do you hope to be remembered for?
What would you like to accomplish this year?
What subject do you wish you knew more about?
What are you thankful for today?
What is something you have a hard time doing?
What is a bad habit you have?
Tell us something you think everyone should know about you.
What are you most proud of?
What makes you laugh the most?
What is one thing you regret?
Tell an embarassing story.
Describe your father in three words.
Describe your mother in three words.
Tell us about the last dream you remember.
Where would be a terrible place to find yourself tomorrow?
What is the best birthday you've ever had?
What was the most annoying thing that happened to you today?
What surprised you most about today?
If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
What is your favorite snack food?
What fiction book do you wish were true?
If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
What movie would you like to have been in?
What irrational fears do you have?
What is your favorite fall activity?
What would you do on a perfect summer day?
When you are sad, what is one thing you do to make yourself feel better?
What do you wish you could see from out your bedroom window?
What makes you a good friend?
What is the grossest thing you have ever done in public?
How many times do you normally hit the snooze button after your alarm goes off?
What is the worst piece of clothing someone can wear?
If you were to wipe one country off the map, which would you choose?
What do you consider the worst household chore?
What is your favorite kind of candy?
Who is the most famous person you have ever met?
What is one thing you always wanted as a kid but never got?
What do you consider to be the most dangerous creature on Earth?
What celebrity do you resemble most?
What is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen?
What is your favorite time of the day?
If you owned an enormous yacht, what would you name it?
If you were invisible, where would you go?
What one object in your home are you most embarrassed about owning?

Wordless Wednesday